!!!

BIG BLAH!!!

for a million n one reasons

cud actually write a book "blah-101"

cud actually go to hell n rule!!!

(no questions plz....jus comments)

Diwali away from home

oh yes!!! its was my first diwali awy from home!!! i hadnt really given it much thought but then when mom called up jus the day before the auspicious day, it sorta set the wheels rolling in that rusty head. i had no idea what i was gonna do...least of all considerin i din know many indians and the few that i did know wernt exactly the ppl i wantd to spend diwali with ( refer to post : wt the f**$???)
so yea...no biggie, rite??? wrong!!! BIG biggie!!! first mom called n i went face forward into this crazy i-miss-my-family-n-i-wanna-go-bak-home-rite-this-moment mood!!! then it was logical thinking sayin ive come this far for a reason so lets jus shut-up-n-get-on-wid-life-as-it-aint-the-end-of-the-world!!! but then it was lonliness that sunk in as thr was absolutely no1 i cud spend time with n like jus chillout...but then super logical me happnd sayin lets-do-with-what-v-have!!! so called up the indians (not all are as irritatin) met up...cooked dinner with em...oh yes... a simple but DELICIOUSLY yummy stuff....then lit a lil candle in front of a pic of the Lord Ganesh...did a lil prayer thingy in our own ways....ate a hearty meal after thankin the heavens for evrythin....n did a lil gupshup ( thus realisin tht not all of em are as bad. oh they still stare n gape n all!!!)
after this lil dinner soiree, went to another frnds place... an algerian ( of whom i'll b talkin soon) ...incidently, it was the last day of ramazan for him n he was wonderin what to do....so out came the decoration stuff, the lights, the jhing-bang!!! n v set out on a mammoth task to decorate both our rooms the best v can n stay in the oh-so-crazy-festive mood!!! n i must say V ROCKED!!! the places looked divine :) it was jus pure joy!!! oh he did know tht i too was celebratin diwali n all n tht it was the first time alone n all...so mister went outta his way to surprise me. what he do??? patience my dears, patience!!! so yes...whr was i?? rite, the surprise-- even before i got to his place he had prepared a dessert for the very special occassion bein my first fest away from family!!! v went to another frnds place from thr ( i still din know abt the dessert) n all of us sat down to talk n all n out comes THE dessert n i go like all blushy-blushy n happy-happy!!! OMG!!! dont u think thas jus too nice??? u bet ur ass i was happy... n yea melancholic!!! (ofcourse)
but all in all, i think this wud be one of the best diwali-away-from-home anyones ever had (minus the missing ofcourse)
weird i agree, but F*U*N !! dont u dare go n disagree!!!

so yea...heres wishin u all a fab diwali too :)

WT THE F*@"¤???

its been barely a few days tht ive arrived in rouen, france....o trust me its all grt n evrythin...but wt m gonna write nxt aint so grt...trust me ud prolly wanna scream!!!!!

i met a few indians here and frankly, i was much more than embarassed abt my country instead of bein happy n relievd at seeing my compatriots. strange i kno!!! traitor u mite call me, but trust me i had my reasons. agreed, that they all feel a cdertain awe n excitement at being in a beautiful country, all by themselves, surrounded by beautiful ppl, etc but honestly, i cannot digest the gaping, the glaring, the staring and the snide remarks at evry1 with a white skin (read:women!!) seriously, do they HAVE to do this???? this is exactly wt creates a bad image about us indians across the globe. i mean wasnt it enuf to be labelled as the ppl-who-litter??? trust me, after seeing all of this all u wanna do is run away someplace far or cower or (my personal fav.) give each one of them a tight slap across their face (after, of course, uve shoved something up their ass) and put some sense in those puny brains of theirs!!! even tho i wud LOVE to do something to the extent of the last mentioned its, as v all kno, qute impossible...

GOD i wish i cud VANISH each time this happnd!!!!!!

...jus wen i needed u...

i donno y m writin u a mail wen i cudve easily called u up...but m jus so hopelessly lost rite now i dont think i hav the strength to talk to ne1...m goin down this depressive trip n i cant seem to get out of it...i got weird things goin in my head n theyr killin me...it like all of a sudden no1 cares tht m gonna b gone...in fact theyr jus waitin for me to leave...no1 has the slightest time to spend wid me...ppl tht matter are drivin me mad...i feel like an absolute loser its like im killin myself wid all this shit in my head...im so confused i can barely register wt m writin or wt it is exactly tht i wanna tell u...i donno wt to expect frm ne1 anymore...cos somehow it seems like m expectin a hell lot...i cant get anythin out anymore...to any1...n keepin it inside is makin me go insane...i jus wanna run away to someplace n not look bak...i dont wanna b myself anymore...cos bein me jus hurts...evry1 takes me for granted n somehow life aint fun bein me anymore...jus this once i wanna get lost in the crowd...if bein stereotyped is wt it takes to b at peace thas wt i wanna b...i wanna b normal if thts wt bein normal is...i wanna get lost...but i donno whr!

...

... n then thr was only me, surrounded by unnatural silence, feelings and emotions of darkness filled my insides, thoughts of evil n dead raped my soul, the undone seemed alluring...n the questions jus seemed to flow endlessly, like a rapid on fire burning me through, scarring my bein...without a singleword for answer, nothing to soothe the brazen mind, nothing to calm the restless body... n all i was left with were questions!!!

i know i havnt really been nice to u tday but then i din really hav a choice....i was kinda freeked out when i din hear from u for so long n was sorta worried...but then wen i heard tht u had gotten in touch wid ur frnds i felt bad...real bad...guess thas y i was angry too..n then wen i spoke to u tday u seemd so far away....as if we were strangers...i wont deny the way i feel abt u...n i guess u know it too....i somehow thot we had somethin goin here...guess i expected too much...the fact tht i din hav a place anywhr hurt alot...but now i am jus mad at myself n my stupidity n howcum i did not c this comin...
thas y i need to know...i need to know wts goin on...i need to know whr ' we' stand...i need to know if any of wt happnd meant anything to u....basically i need straight answers...cos m done hurtin myself enuf...all i had wanted was somethin nice b4 i left this country....but nice evades me...help me out here...i need to know

In those arms...

In those arms i found...my peace. In those arms i found...solace. In those arms i was tranquil. Hands exploring....discovering... jus holding me close. Taming the insatiable beast. Just lying in those arms was sufficient. To feel the joy and happiness kiss my soul... my being. The sound of hearbeats playing a perfect tune of harmony. A slightest graze of lips enough to start the fire within. Those arms held me close, promising everything i had ever wanted and dreamt about. They made me see beauty, fantasy and passion. They helped me find ME. Those arms gave joy a new meaning. They made me smell fragrances unknown. They taught me to fly, to soar... without wings. To dream without boundaries.
I want to feel those arms again...to feel them wrap around me...hold me close. Care, security, happiness,...love? just few of the emotions i begin to understand in those arms. Where fright turns to calm...tears turn to pearls...and the breath to mistral. I want to lay again, in those arms...as thats where i belong.